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Life Lessons
Life is Starting to Change
Life Lessons
Friday, 24 October 2008 00:00

Lots of things are starting to change in my life.  Most are good.

I've felt this need lately to do more with my life.  I go to work, I do my job, I am good at what I do, but it no longer "fills" me like it once did.  I have this "need" to take my talents and help someone else with it.  Isn't it funny how God works?  At the height of my conviction about this, we at WAH start talking about "stepping it up a notch" and doing more.  It is exactly what I want, or rather what I need.

I will (hopefully) be spending the next several weeks developing a website to  be used in conjunction with our forums board.  What do I hope to accomplish?  Unity, mostly.  I'd like to create a complimentary place to the boards where the women will gather the information they need to get through the rest of their day.  I am very very very excited.

I've been turned down my so many literary agents and publishers now that I am not sure what to do with my book.  I am continuing to write devotions for it and I know that eventually God will do what he thinks is best.  I have to continue to remember that God's timing is perfect and until I give this to Him, really give it to Him, nothing is going to happen.

This will be the first year that we have to seriously and wholeheartedly pull back on Christmas presents.  This has been a terrible year financially (incidentally a moving, stretching, growing year spiritually, heh..) and we just don't have it.  I think we are supposed to be here.  I need to be uncomfortable for something that is yet to come...I can feel it but I can't see it yet.  I'm ready...I think.

Rob is continuing his quest to become a Corrections Officer in the third largest jail in the state. He's ready to go back.  This scares me a little, but he'll be much happier there.  We won't see a lot of him for a while as they will put him on nights for about a year.  But we'll muddle through.  My entire life will have to be readjusted in January, but we'll be OK.

Lots of stuff going on and not nearly enough time.  Time....whew....I will be working on reorganizing my time in these last months of the year too so I am ready for January.

OK, that's all I have for now.  More later.  I need to post about my son and the awesome, amazing faith he is beginning to display.  For now...coffee please.
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A Hard Lesson in Obedience
Life Lessons
Sunday, 05 October 2008 00:00

There are few lessons learned that are easy to swallow.  Molding can be tough.  When you think of clay in your hands, spinning in your hands, moving just so creates a completely different shape. Sometimes you dig too far and the clay collapses.  Do you throw the clay away?  Of course not, you pound it down, knead it back into a ball to start over.  This happens again and again until we get it right.

Earlier this year, I was dealt a hard blow in a ministry I love dearly.  I was hurt (my ego, that is) and didn't know what to do.  Even though I wanted to, I knew that leaving the ministry was not the answer, so I served in a different capacity.  What I really wanted was to leave the church so I didn't have to cry during service anymore, but God kept me there.  With His arms around me He told me to be patient, he was molding me, shaping me into who I needed to be in order to be more effective in my ministry, and, I believe, in order to make changes in others too.

As this horrible year is beginning to a close, I am being blessed for my obedience.  I am returning to the ministry that gives me so much joy, more than I ever imagined it could.  What makes it even better is that I am returning to this ministry more molded, more formed into the woman God wants me to be.  I have lots of scrapes and bruises for the lessons I have to learn the hard way, but I have learned them none the less.
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When to Say When
Life Lessons
Monday, 30 June 2008 00:00


I've been thinking about this a lot today. When is what we already have enough? At what point does it no longer matter about the things you still want, the goals you've not yet achieved, the paths you've not yet walked? I don't have an answer, I'm just wondering myself.

When is it OK to let go of a dream? In our selflessness, are we supposed to get to a point where we no longer need to strive for something more? If we are, I'm not there yet. I suppose there comes a moment where it's time to let go; to move on with your life and not dwell on the few things that are out of our control.

I guess what I'm struggling with is figuring out if it's God's will to walk away or if it's Satan planting doubt, HOPING we'll walk away. The answer, I know, is in prayer...being still and listening. Sometimes it's just so hard to put my own goals and needs down and wait to see if they are what He wants for me. I'm afraid to hear His answer. I don't want Him to tell me to go down a road when what I want so dearly is right in front of me. Maybe I close my ears so I can't hear on purpose...

It's not easy and I don't like it one bit.
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It's Time to Make a Choice
Life Lessons
Sunday, 01 June 2008 00:00
I will paraphrase what a dear friend told me not long ago....

"ONLY YOU can determine what your attitude will be every single day, and when YOU control that--huge changes start to happen. You are the one in control of your words, your actions, and your attitude. No one else. And relying on [anyone else] to be the barometer of that will never lead to joy."

ugh. stomach punch. feel the burn.....

This was written to me just about a month ago and I've been pondering and thinking and milling all this over....then I woke up this morning and realized.....DUDE...this isn't hard.

OK. I'll admit I've had a hard first half of the year. I've been tested and tormented...lied to and pounced on, embarassed and crushed. But ya know what? It's time for me to make a choice. Am I going to put on my big girl panties and stop caring what others think or am I going to allow others to decide how I FEEL everyday? It's time for me to get up, move on and plow forward.

This is MY life, no one elses. It's time I start acting like it.
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Life's Interesting Turns
Life Lessons
Monday, 26 May 2008 00:00
As the new year began, I was sure of what I was going to do with my time and my energy. The year is almost half over and everything I thought I was going to do has been taken from me in one way or another.

As the year began, I wrote:
This is what I know:
I have to write the second book
I have to get a DVD together (more later on this)
I have to start speaking to women. Like a conference? I'm not sure, but it might be.

Not only did I not write a second book, my first one was never published
there is no DVD
i am not speaking to women.

I'm not sure if it's not my time yet or if I am just running in circles. Everything I've tried to do for the last several years has been flipped upside down. Everything. It makes me sad because I am so sure every time that I am doing the right thing and that I am "supposed" to do it, yet every time I am defeated in some way. Home life - work life - church life - all are affected.

I am at the point where I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting for what I want and for what I don't want. I am tired of pushing my want into and out of everything I do. I am tired of pretending that I am not hurt by things that hurt me. My tough outer shell is eroding, and while I believe that in the end this will be a good thing, right now it just hurts.

What does all this mean? I have no idea. I'm taking time and spending it with my husband. TJ leaves for NJ in a few more weeks and then he'll be gone for two months. This saddens me deeply as it always does.

Everything I thought I knew is gone and all the things I thought would never happen to me or to my family are happening. I am finding it harder and harder to make the big decisions becuase I have been wrong so many times, I don't want to make another mistake.
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