As the new year began, I was sure of what I was going to do with my time and my energy. The year is almost half over and everything I thought I was going to do has been taken from me in one way or another.
As the year began, I wrote:This is what I know:
I have to write the second book
I have to get a DVD together (more later on this)
I have to start speaking to women. Like a conference? I'm not sure, but it might be.
Not only did I not write a second book, my first one was never published
there is no DVD
i am not speaking to women.
I'm not sure if it's not my time yet or if I am just running in circles. Everything I've tried to do for the last several years has been flipped upside down. Everything. It makes me sad because I am so sure every time that I am doing the right thing and that I am "supposed" to do it, yet every time I am defeated in some way. Home life - work life - church life - all are affected.
I am at the point where I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting for what I want and for what I don't want. I am tired of pushing my want into and out of everything I do. I am tired of pretending that I am not hurt by things that hurt me. My tough outer shell is eroding, and while I believe that in the end this will be a good thing, right now it just hurts.
What does all this mean? I have no idea. I'm taking time and spending it with my husband. TJ leaves for NJ in a few more weeks and then he'll be gone for two months. This saddens me deeply as it always does.
Everything I thought I knew is gone and all the things I thought would never happen to me or to my family are happening. I am finding it harder and harder to make the big decisions becuase I have been wrong so many times, I don't want to make another mistake.