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Monday, 10 August 2009 06:36 |
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I wonder how many of us, if we were really honest with ourselves, would see the plank in our own eye if we looked for it. Now, what would we do if we found it? Would we change or would we cover it up so it looked like we changed?
I've been home from Haiti for a little over a week. In that week, I've basically gone back to all the habits I promised to rid myself of as I traveled in Haiti. Why? I've been sitting here most of this weekend trying to figure out why we revert back to our old ways the moment it gets too hard? Sometimes it's the easy stuff that's hard...let me explain...
I remember back to one devotion night - the defining night in Haiti for me, when Leah spoke, as if to an audience of me and me alone. She reminded me that when we're comfortable and safe, we beg God to break our hearts; we beg Him to give us the courage to stand up and step out and do His will. Yet the moment we do, the moment it starts to hurt, we begin to ask God why he did this to us...I cling to that message because it was me..I was the one who asked god daily to send me out. I asked Him to show me through His eyes. The moment He did, I started freaking out. It was Leah's words that made me understand what I was feeling. Then I come back home and the moment I felt air conditioning, the moment I saw a restaurant or my full refrigerator or my bank account, my brain turned off it's "missionary mode" and turned back into what I call "safe mode."
Safe Mode? Who wants to live in Safe Mode after walking in His footsteps for two weeks? If I'm honest, I'll say I did. If I'm trying to cover it up, I'll make up some story about how I just missed all the things America has. I'm choosing to be honest. I let my brain switch over to Safe Mode and I've regretted that decision since it happened in the Miami airport. The only question left is, "Now what?"
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Sunday, 02 August 2009 18:30 |
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Well, I made it back from Haiti alive. It was a strange, difficult, HOT, crazy, frustrating, rewarding, HOT trip. But sometimes God sends you somewhere you don't want to go for a reason you don't even know about.
It turns out that I did not go to Haiti to do anything in Haiti.God sent me somewhere I could not survive so he could break me and mold me into the wife He wants me to be. I never could figure out how, out of the blue, Haiti was put on my heart. After the January "Haiti Night" I HAD TO GO. For a while I tried to figure out why I would want to go there. I don't do hot. But after a while, I put that aside figuring I just needed to shut up and go. Another interesting fact was that I was insistent on going alone. I did not want my husband to go with me. Why? I have no idea. Well, it turns out that God did.
36 hours into the trip, after a harrowing 9 hour bus ride and the separation from my luggage, I cried myself to sleep trying to figure out why God would send me somewhere I did not belong. I knew the minute we landed that I should not have been there. I had this sense of, "Now what are you going to do, tough girl?" that would not leave me. Suddendly all my confidence, all my strength, all my assurance flew out the window. I realized that the one person who could have gotten me through this was not at my side. All at once, like a flood, I realized how much I depend and lean on my husband and how much he carries me through the things I cannot get through on my own. I never realized it because he did it so softly, without me knowing it. He was always there for me, always encouraging me, always pushing me forward. I broke into a million pieces right then when I realized it had been forever since I'd done the same for him. I spent the next thirteen days praying about becoming a better wife to my husband. I prayed that I would appreciate him more instead of criticize him when he didn't do something I asked. I prayed that I would lean on him more when I knew I could not stand on my own. I prayed that I would lift him up as he lifts me up daily. I prayed that he would still want to be the husband he was when I got back even though I didn't deserve it.
Wanna know how cool my God is? do ya?
Rob was working through some issues he was having during the time I was gone also. So that when we got back together and started talking, we found out that we both committed to changing things in our own lives to better each other and our family.
come on...that's stinkin' cool and you know it.... :)
I am SO hard-headed that I had to be taken SO FAR out of my comfort zone so God could work on my heart. I was so sure I was right that I had to be dropped off in the middle of a country that has little to no electric, with people I don't understand, who have problems that I cannot even wrap my little brain around, so that I could be in a mind-set to actually LISTEN to what He had to tell me.
Now, while I was there we did some amazing things. I'll talk all about them in the next day or so. We did 4 VBS's for 600 children, we visited our main orphanage, we went out to the Far West for our shoe and rice distribution, we went to Tortuga and Ansefelour and Beaucamp...we worked on construction projects and had a party for the granmoun. We were so busy. But I just wanted to take a few minutes and tell you why I was there.
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Tuesday, 14 July 2009 20:31 |
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READ DAILY UPDATES: SENDUSTOHAITI.COM AND SEE PHOTOS AT NWHCM.ORG This is probably the last post I will make until I come back from Haiti. We leave Sunday night, July 19th and will return July 31. I will write everything down and post a long post upon my return. www.sendustohaiti.com will be updated daily and I will be able to send one email per evening to a group of people (family and friends) who want to know we are all ok. If you want to be on that list, email me this week! so...this is it....I'm going to Haiti.
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 06:13 |
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sooooo... I'm sitting at home last night when I remembered "the list" that Melonnie gave us for Haiti. It's the packing list. It's one of those lists that just continues to grow and grow. By the time I was finished writing on the list, the list was twice as long than when it began.
So I pick up the list and I look over it once, then twice. I walked into by bathroom and pulled out a toothbrush, then deodorant, then I walked into the hall closet and pulled out two towels.....within 15 minutes, I had gone from looking over the list to frantically looking for "D" batteries for the tent light I wanted to bring. My husband watched me with his mouth open the whole time going, "oh my gosh, honey - you don't leave for 3 weeks!" and that's when I got nervous...3 weeks! That's it! I have SO MUCH TO DO and only 3 weeks to do it. He had had enough when he watched me stuffing toilet paper into ziplock baggies. Oh yeah, everything is in bags, "just in case" - just in case of what, I have no idea. :) so now, with the execption of a few (20) items, I am ready to go. 25 days to go..... :) :)
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Thursday, 18 June 2009 16:35 |
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So, I've been thinking about Haiti lately. I'm thinking about the work we have ahead of us and the opportunities and the team and the heat and the bugs and the work and the food and the bus..... .....and I'm starting to get...... scared? is that the word? No, not scared, but maybe anxious is a better word. Yeah...anxious. Knowing Melonnie and knowing how amazing and dedicated and well....amazing she is makes me feel so unworthy of the trip. Does that even make sense? Knowing how awesome these teenagers and other adults are make me feel so out of place. I don't know. I know this isn't the usual me. I'm very run as fast as I can into the situation kind of person, but right now I feel like I don't deserve to be there. I wonder how i will ever be able to keep up with everyone else in 100 degrees. I wonder what will I do on an 8 hour bus ride when I have to pee for the third time. I wonder how will I sleep on a roof of a building outside with no air conditioning...ever.... So, yeah. I'm starting to freak out a little. Tomororw is my doctor's appointment to get my checkup and my malaria meds (ha!) They're taking bets at the office that the malaria meds give me malaria. great. I've been running so hard so fast for so many months that I never had to stop and think about what i was doing. Reading Melonnie's blog breaks my heart every time and I love what she's done and what she's doing. I want so badly to be a part of this and to make a difference in such an amazing way. I know it's just my head getting in the way of my heart and my path. I know He will be with me the entire time. I know I will be safe. I'm just kinds skeered is all.
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